what does juliet compare herself to? what can this comparison reveal about how she is feeling

By Rebecca Webber published November seven, 2017 - terminal reviewed on September 4, 2019

Photograph by Dean Alexander

Judging from her Facebook page, Lisa appears to lead a charmed life. A heart-aged ad executive, she takes pictures while strolling through London on a European vacation and choosing fresh produce at a farmers market closer to dwelling. Those who spend time with her in person might likewise think her fortunate. She has a lovely, grown daughter and a devoted husband, and she lives in a handsome New York apartment. An creative person at heart, she revels in the urban center's cultural offerings and recently had a personal essay published in The New York Times.

Yet Lisa's internal view of her life is much darker. "I accept difficult feelings about how I don't have what I desire," she confesses. "I feel as if I've made the wrong choices and fallen short." Her sense of inadequacy flares especially when she compares herself to friends, colleagues, and people from her past—many of whom linger in her sensation because of social media. In that location'south the college buddy who achieved her dream of condign a performer and lives in a gorgeous abode in a tony suburb. There'south the inferior high rival, now a globetrotting public health specialist. "He'll post, 'Leaving today for Liberia to assistance with the Ebola crisis,' and go dozens of comments similar 'You're the almost astonishing person I've always met!'" Lisa says. Her own posts seldom garner such enthusiasm.

These kinds of comparisons bulldoze home Lisa's ambivalence about her life choices, especially those related to her career. She came to New York in her 20s with a passion for the stage but switched to advertising when she realized that beingness in theater "meant being a waitress for the rest of my life," she says. While she's grateful to earn a reliable salary and benefits, she hates her commute and finds her piece of work grueling at times. "I regret taking the path I did because of where I've ended upwards," she says. "Information technology really gnaws at me." When she's confronted with a peer'south accomplishments, her ain perceived failings pop out in precipitous relief.

Measuring the self confronting others is a modus operandi of the human mind, and in some means, it tin be helpful. The inspiration yous feel almost someone else'southward achievements can rev up the motivation to ameliorate your ain life. The recognition that your abilities are a notch above someone else's tin evangelize a boost to your self-esteem. But comparisons tin can exist harmful when they leave you feeling chronically junior or depressed.

That was the case well before the advent of social media—a turbo-charged, precision musical instrument for social comparison dissimilar anything in human history. Part of its uniqueness, researchers indicate out, is that information technology paints a heavily skewed motion-picture show of one's social universe. People are most likely to share peak experiences and flattering news about themselves—what University of Houston psychologist Mai-Ly Nguyen Steers calls "everyone else's highlights reel"—and tech companies, furthermore, use algorithms to prioritize that very information in social media feeds. The narrow, distorted slice of reality that is displayed on social media is virtually perfectly constructed to make viewers experience deficient and discouraged.

"It creates a tsunami of excess information at warp speed, which could intensify the furnishings," says Princeton University psychologist Susan Fiske, who coined the shorthand "envy upward, scorn downwards" to summarize the feelings provoked when we weigh our worth next to others.

Since comparison is a central human impulse, there's really no way of shutting it downwards completely. But if we understand its origins, mechanisms, and what to watch out for, nosotros may be able to mitigate the negative effects and amplify the adept—both online and off.

Photograph past Dean Alexander

Comparison and Its Discontents

It'due south easy to see how social dissimilarity has helped people survive and thrive. A hunter-gatherer might accept realized he was especially good at tracking prey, making him an indispensable guide for hunting parties, fifty-fifty every bit he left the spearing to those with better aim. Nowadays, a teenager appraising herself might recognize that she'due south a math whiz and aim for an technology degree, leaving novelwriting to her more verbally skillful peers.

Social comparison theory was outset put forth in 1954 by psychologist Leon Festinger, who hypothesized that we make comparisons every bit a way of evaluating ourselves. At its root, the impulse is continued to the instant judgments we brand of other people—a key element of the brain's social-cognition network that can be traced to the evolutionary need to protect oneself and appraise threats.

"Inevitably, we chronicle information about others to ourselves," says Thomas Mussweiler, a professor of organizational beliefs at London Business School. "It'southward one of the almost basic means we develop an understanding of who nosotros are, what we're good at, and what we're not so good at. It happens not only in a strategic manner, simply also spontaneously and automatically whenever we are confronted with others. Even when you lot're faced with a standard that'south extreme, first you lot compare, then y'all correct for the outcomes."

So if you're walking downwards the street and a super fit 20-something jogs by, you might instantly appraise that, by comparison, you're out of shape. Then you may note that y'all're at least two decades older than the jogger and juggling the intendance of twin toddlers with a full-time job. You recall that you lot don't have the same metabolism or time for do. It'due south apples to string beans. The negative comparing stings less than if you were looking at another working parent.

Our comparison-targets, as researchers refer to them, tend to be those we near closely identify with as well every bit those within our personal orbit. Nosotros don't usually fixate on how our lot in life corresponds to that of Elon Musk, or to that of the homeless man sprawled on the sidewalk, but rather to that of our family members, friends, colleagues, and neighbors. And the comparisons nosotros feel most acutely chronicle to domains we value, such as appearance, relationships, wealth, professional achievement, or goals even more specific.

"An bookish might acquire that a colleague just got five journal articles accepted," says Steers. "To someone else, that'southward not a large bargain. Simply the bookish might remember, I had only two accepted and got a bunch of rejections."

Photo past Dean Alexander

The furnishings of upward and downward comparisons depend on how we process the information. Self-improvement occurs when an upward comparison inspires us to try harder. Self-enhancement can take identify when we note our similarities to someone superior (She and I went to the same higher!) or play up our differences with someone inferior (He's not as dedicated to his work as am I). And the cocky is corroded when nosotros compare upwardly only to note differences that feel insurmountable (She'southward more than beautiful than I'll always be) or dwell on commonalities with someone nosotros disdain (That loser is unemployed, too).

People aren't uniformly at run a risk of negative social comparing; unsurprisingly, those with depression self-esteem are more than likely to feel that they don't stack up. That sounds familiar to Lisa. "Cocky-esteem is a cocky-fulfilling prophecy," she says. "You lot project that lack of confidence. I've always been overly self-critical—I call up of myself as the hunchback of Madison Artery."

The mental wellness of those prone to negative comparison tin can exist seriously compromised as a result. "When we're reliant on others for our sense of self, only feeling good if nosotros become positive feedback or markers of status, nosotros're at run a risk for low," says Mitch Prinstein, a psychologist at the Academy of Due north Carolina and the author of Popular: The Power of Likeability in a Status-Obsessed Earth.

Merely it's not all bad news. A 2015 written report by researchers at the universities of Essex and Cambridge showed that the trend to engage in comparison processes declines across the lifespan. One reason, they hypothesized, is that as we age, nosotros're more likely to evaluate ourselves against the yardstick of our own past rather than the nowadays state of others. Social comparison is generally most potent for the young.

"I always have a listing of things I should practice and exist," says Samantha, a 24-year-old teacher in Oakland, California. "Where exercise these ideas come from? I've realized I spend the majority of my time comparing myself to my peers, colleagues, or family unit members, and that'southward where my expectations originate."

Samantha is already thriving in her career, with a master's degree and a management position, only withal has doubts near her choices that often outweigh her pride in her accomplishments. "A lot of my peers accept taken time off to travel or have washed all different kinds of jobs or have lived in multiple places," she says. "I haven't done any of that. I got on this runway, stayed very focused, and have been successful. But while doing that, I missed out on other opportunities."

What she sees on her friends' social media makes her feel lacking. "Heather spent a month traveling in Greece—I've never been further than Colorado. I have friends getting married and having babies. I'k stuck in between all of these people. I know I shouldn't compare myself. Information technology's a sure way to be disappointed. Simply it'south hard not to."

Photograph by Dean Alexander

Lashed to Likes

Social media is similar kerosene poured on the flame of social comparison, dramatically increasing the information virtually people that we're exposed to and forcing our minds to appraise. In the past, nosotros captivated others' triumphs sporadically—the alumni bulletin would report a erstwhile classmate having made partner at the law house or a neighbor would mention that his kid got into Harvard. At present such news is at our fingertips constantly, updating u.s. about a greater range of people than we previously tracked, and nosotros invite its sepia-filtered jolts of data into our commutes, our moments waiting in line for coffee, even our beds at two A.M.

The trend to check social media in our downtime, when we're more likely to be cocky-reflective, can brand for some ugly juxtapositions. You meet someone tweet about his fabulous new job while yous're eating some other sad desk salad, or you gaze upon pictures of an associate grinning beside her sexy boyfriend while you stew over a fight with your spouse. Moreover, social media seems to accredit explicit valuations to people in ways that once seemed more than vague. The number of Twitter followers, Instagram hearts, LinkedIn connections, or Facebook likes that another person garners compared to usa can feel like rock-solid proof of position on some imagined ladder.

There's a reason that teenagers in particular are prone to the feverish pursuit of valuation via social media. Prinstein says it's because the wide variety of regions in the brain that seek and deliver social rewards, including the part of the striatum called the nucleus accumbens, become supercharged at the adolescent transition. "Social rewards are basically activation of dopamine inside the brain when we feel nosotros're getting attention or positive feedback from peers," Prinstein says. "It tin also come from comparing yourself to others, especially highly valued others, and seeing that you concur with them, they agree with you, or that y'all're like to them. Information technology activates parts of the encephalon not unlike the way a drug does, which may be why adolescents become truly addicted to social media."

Virtually adults who grew upwards prior to the age of social media tin call up having experienced the same innate bulldoze for peer attending as teenagers. It'due south part of a natural process of reflected appraisal, wherein we develop a sense of who we are from how others view u.s.a.. "That hypervigilance about how others encounter you is supposed to go abroad in adulthood," says Prinstein. "Simply social media has created this lifelong adolescence. Information technology makes it too easy to keep making comparisons in a very boyish way."

Nikki, a 41-year-former who works in customer service, joined Facebook in 2009 at the urging of her sister and cousin. "They said, 'C'mon, get on board, you'll really like information technology!'" she recalls. At first, she did savor reconnecting with one-time friends, including a loftier schoolhouse pal with whom she'd long ago lost touch. She spent an hour or so each night scrolling through the site to see what people were up to. Since many were, like herself, in their 30s, that was basically one thing: "Kids, kids, kids!" Nikki remembers. It's not that she doesn't like children—quite the opposite. "I'm the one going down the slide with them, playing hopscotch, rolling in the clay," she says. But at the time, she and her hubby were trying to excogitate without success.

Nikki eventually discovered that her infertility was caused by endometriosis, which led to a hysterectomy. She would never give birth herself—a bitter reality that social media continued to throw in her confront whenever she logged on. "Holidays were the worst—seeing anybody's kids with their new scooters and Hatchimals," she says. "I wanted to exist able to give gifts to the kids I didn't have."

For Nikki, it'southward children. For others it's their ballooning belly, shaky finances, or stalled career. Crystal, a 37-year-one-time female parent of 4, takes extended breaks from social media to avert the onslaught of moving picture-perfect homes and crafty creations. "When I get online, I feel like the worst mom e'er," she says. "My kids' rooms don't await similar that. I don't brand cupcakes like that. I experience x times worse nearly myself and ruminate for hours."

Ironically, social media manages to kick us in our Achilles heel not past targeting it deliberately, but past existence largely oblivious to it. Our online social networks tend to be broad and impersonal, with people posting information to wide swaths of viewers without necessarily thinking about who's watching. And because of the tendency to postal service but a carefully edited, cropped, and filtered account of our lives, Mussweiler says, "Facebook profiles paint very rosy pictures. If yous still interacted with those people from high school, you would know most both the bright and dark sides."

Furthermore, social media can skew our preferred comparison domains, making us think nosotros intendance nearly some things more than nosotros really do. We weren't ever concerned with how acquaintances busy their kids' birthday cakes or the exotic locales where they vacationed. But when these social media cliches run into our self-reflective moments, over and over again, we suddenly start to consider our own inability to pipe a perfect rose or wonder why we oasis't been to the Galapagos.

In the era before social media, Stephen, a 51-year-old academic librarian, might take been a contented homebody. While he took many solo trips in his 20s and 30s, he doesn't travel every bit much now that he'due south divorced and his daughter is grown. "It's very alone to travel by yourself," he says. But vacation photos on social media make him incertitude his rootededness. "Maybe I should be more than experiential, similar that person who simply went to Republic of iceland," he says. On one level, the perception of others' lives could catalyze him. In reality, though, "It puts me in this questioning place. I'm reminded that I'm non living life to its fullest."

Photograph by Dean Alexander

Screw the Scoreboard

When social media stirs up feelings of inadequacy, there are some obvious ways to tamp them dorsum down. You tin get for broke and delete apps or even deactivate accounts. Y'all can ruthlessly prune your lists of friends, if only to avert seeing posts and pictures from those who routinely make you experience bad. Or you can employ programs similar Moment or StayFocused that tally how much time y'all're spending on certain sites and encourage or forcefulness yous to log off.

But it's ultimately how we utilise social media, not how much fourth dimension we spend on it, that has the greatest bearing on how it makes us feel. "When nosotros apply social media but to passively view others' posts, our happiness decreases," says Emma Seppaelae, science director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University and the author of The Happiness Track: How to Apply the Scientific discipline of Happiness to Accelerate Your Success. "We compare ourselves to others, get lost in their idealized lives, and forget to enjoy our own. But contributing, sharing, and interacting can have the opposite effect. Facebook presents countless opportunities to check in with loved ones and friends and be at that place for them if something seems off. Similarly, social media is a place where you can limited the need for back up."

Even if you practice healthy social media behavior, comparison is unavoidable in life, and it's important to remember that it'southward non necessarily a bad affair. Fifty-fifty if information technology feels disappointing at the time, Mussweiler says, "the realization that you lot're not especially good at something can exist a helpful lesson." Accepting that you'll never be an astrophysicist, for case, could encourage you to focus on talents that are more squarely inside your reach.

Alternately, he says, "if others are meliorate in a valued dimension, it could be inspiration for you to piece of work on that affair." Fiske likes to refer to the Dutch term for benign green-eyed, benijden, which means the motivation one reaps from another person'due south impressive case. "Some bear witness suggests that positive social contagion is possible with social comparison," she says. "Other people's good news can make usa feel good, too."

Ultimately, the greatest protection against falling into the comparing trap—and the all-time mode to pull yourself out of it—is to develop and maintain a stable sense of cocky. That means cultivating your identity and cocky-esteem, nourishing relationships with people who encounter the real you, and staying attuned to your truest behavior. "In that location'due south a tug of war," says Prinstein. "Do you lot seek to experience practiced nearly yourself through social rewards, or practise you rely on more stable means of recognizing who you are? A stable sense of self comes from thinking about who you are absent whatever feedback. What are your values and preferences in the absence of anybody knowing about them? Tin you lot be proud of the person you lot are who isn't publicly posted?"

Nikki somewhen decided to open up about her infertility online too as in existent life, which led to deepened friendships. She also looked beyond others' babies and realized that people she knew were undergoing different struggles, such equally a cancer diagnosis, a foreclosed home, or the unexpected loss of a spouse. Grateful for her ain good wellness, stable finances, and happy marriage, she realized that comparison tin can work both means.

"I got through the 'feeling sorry for myself' phase, and now I have a healthier perspective," she says. "Everyone'south life is different and no one's is perfect. I'm grateful for what I have."

You Do You: A How-To

ane. Seek Connection, Not Comparison

"Limit fourth dimension on social media, just more important is how that time is used," says Mitch Prinstein, a psychologist at the University of Due north Carolina. Instead of passive scrolling, transport private messages, talk about shared experiences, seek 18-carat emotional connection, and use social media in general to "foster the kind of relationships known to be valuable offline."

2. Look Up, Just a Piffling

Decades of research suggest that upwards comparison tin provoke motivation and effort; children who compare themselves to peers who slightly outperform them have produced higher grades, for case. Seeing that the path to improvement is attainable is key—you're better off comparing yourself to someone a rung or 2 above you than to someone at the very summit of the ladder.

iii. Count Your Blessings

If you lot focus on the good things in your life, you're less likely to captivate most what you lack. Loretta Breuning, the author of Habits of a Happy Brain, recommends engaging in "conscious downwardly comparing." For instance, Breuning says, compare yourself to your ancestors. "You don't have to drink water full of microbes. You don't have to tolerate violence on a daily basis. It'll remind you that despite some frustrations, you have a fabulous life."

four. Compare Yourself to...Yourself

Like the trend among older people to mensurate themselves against their own past, Sonja Lyubormirsky, a psychologist at the Academy of California, Riverside and the author of The How of Happiness notes that "people who are happy use themselves for internal evaluation." It's not that they don't notice upward comparisons, she says, but they don't let that impact their self-esteem, and they stay focused on their ain comeback. "A happy runner compares himself to his last run, non to others who are faster."

five. Pursue Upward-Joy

Based on his own Buddhist practice, San Francisco psychiatrist Ravi Chandra recommends using the social comparing impulse as a springboard for true self-growth. He recounts his own effort to exercise so in a new book, Facebuddha: Transcendence in the Age of Social Networks! "Instead of generating envy, which is a form of hostility, explore what you admire and appreciate virtually other people and cultivate joy for their success," Chandra says. "It can be a goad for personal growth."

Facebook/LinkedIn image: fizkes/Shutterstock

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Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201711/the-comparison-trap

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